I grew up in an environment where I had to take up certain responsibilities and act mature from a very young age. I was on my own, I had no one to go up to and talk. I was (maybe, still am) a strong girl who lived her life on her own terms and taught herself lessons of life. I had built this huge wall around myself to protect myself from the humans of this world. I used to have a lot of chaos, thoughts, and emotions inside of me but there was no one to listen to them. I feared the judgment and sympathy from other people. I used to (still do) believe that being vulnerable is being weak. And I could be anything but weak. So I settled for/and with the chaos. The tribulations of life and these deep-seated emotions and chaos were starting to wear me out with time. Bottling up emotions, words, thoughts, and chaos were taking a toll on me. I remember thinking to myself “what if I find a human, who could listen to my chaos, thoughts, understand my emotions, not sugarcoat reality and not judge me or be sympathetic towards me and make sense to me about stuff when I couldn’t with no strings attached?” Finding this human was my mission, my miracle ever since I was 11 years old. It’s the only thing I hoped for, prayed for ever since.
But, you know all of this right? You know me more deeply than this. You know the “darkly” version of me. I found you, 2.5 years back. And till date, I thank the god( if he’s there) to give me my miracle. YOU were (are?) my miracle, an accomplished mission. I put down the walls when I was with you. I let you see the demon I keep hidden from the world. I got vulnerable to you. Do I regret this? Maybe. But it used to feel so good to be not strong for a while, to be this weak human, to cry a sea of tears in front of someone else, to be this human who could speak what’s on her mind without fear, who could let her emotions flow in front of another human, who could talk to someone finally after 19 years of being unable to. YOU made me feel alive. YOU glued me back when life was pulling the rug from under my feet. YOU kept me going when I wanted to give up. YOU heard my tiresome record over and over million times and never got tired. I counted (still count?) on you with my eyes closed. We had no strings attached. No expectations. YOU made (make?) me happy. All my insecurities could breathe around you. You used to draw words out of my silence.
But it’s all gone now because you gave up on me. You got tired of my emotions and me. I know there have been things that I have said to you that were wrong, but I said those without fear. I didn’t know I would lose you. I pushed you away, but you were supposed to come back. Maybe, I took you for granted? I thought I finally found someone who would stay. I know I always complained about how people keep walking out on me because of how difficult I can be, but I had hoped you won’t. I thought you would fix me and not break me more. I thought out of everyone, you would understand why I did what I did or said. I lost the only human I had. You hurt me with your actions and words. You made (make?) me feel worthless. Like, I am nobody to you. I used to (still, maybe?) feel like I was “home” around you, but that has faded (maybe?). You have left me broken. I have lost my only miracle. I have lost the hope. I am numb to everyone and everything. I don’t have emotions or efforts left inside of me for anyone. I won’t be able to let anywhere near me anymore. I won’t be able to be vulnerable to anyone anymore. I won’t ever put these walls down ever again, no matter how hard I try. My faith in humans has gone down. I come with warnings now instead of complaints. I stay away from everyone, especially those who get close to me. Maybe I hurt you with my words, and that’s why you’re hurting me back? Look at me. Trying to justify your actions. Trying to believe that you can’t be wrong. I still can’t believe how things have turned out today between us. I thought we had miles to go. I am sorry for everything that went wrong from my side, my apologies wouldn’t change my actions or words… but it’s all I am left with. I am sorry for disappointing you time and again by being a bad friend. I thought I won’t fail with you but I was so wrong like always. I know you’re happier in my absence. I can see it and feel it.
I have nothing left. I don’t have any human around me today that I can call mine. I feel lost. I feel not okay. But all I can do is not give up, fight back, struggle through mental illness and chaos alone and keep my hopes and faith up. Learn again to live and settle with the chaos. But I want to thank you for being my rock, for understanding when everyone misunderstood, for making sense when I couldn’t, for letting me be vulnerable, for letting me pour my heart out and not judging me unlike others and for making me grow as a human being. Your part in my life is always going to stay close to my heart. Your friendship will always be my jackpot. You will always my one and only miracle. I don’t think this letter or these words are doing justice, there are so many things left unsaid, things I can’t even put into words or explain. I don’t think a day is going to pass by when I won’t be missing you or our conversations. Maybe, another life eh?
-The Broken Girl
P.s- Not a lover.
“Don’t forget to remember, if you’re not smiling you’re doing it wrong”- Alex Wassabi(YouTuber)