Talking to people isn’t the easiest things for me. I have grown up in an extremely conservative environment at home. Mom and Dad were never there, as they were working. The situation at the house made me hold back my emotions. I had no one to talk to about what was going on, or how I felt about a certain thing or as a matter of fact about anything. Keeping emotions inside was something that I learnt at a very young age. I have had huge walls built up around myself which made me push away a lot of people that loved me and cared about me. I never opened up to anyone. I didn’t share my thoughts and kept quiet. I used to be the “silent” kid who never talked. I was the “shy” kid in the school. But coming into teenage life, I realized keeping quiet won’t and isn’t helping me out. Bottling up my emotions just made things worse for me. It frustrated me and killed me every minute knowing that I couldn’t be comfortable enough to talk about how I feel to anyone. No one was ever there to talk to, you know? Who to trust? Whom to open up to? Was the kind of questions that made me think if I should keep quiet or speak up?
As I grew up, I started confiding tiny bit to whoever I thought was going to stay forever. But I was proved wrong. Every human I’ve confided in till date has walked out on me because of my “speech” or “words used”. This made me have trust issues and confiding to someone or ranting to someone didn’t feel right or needed. I started to bottle up myself again, crying to sleep, wanting to break free and just let out my emotions felt like a struggle. I didn’t know who should I talk to? My parents were never in the picture before and not even now. I can’t talk to them about anything because of the relationship I have with them. I became a private person and struggled socially. Staying at home doing nothing sounded better to me than going out with a bunch of people I called friends. I am comfortable in my room doing nothing than going out to meet people and interact with them.
Communication hasn’t been my strongest point ever. I have had people walk out on me because of the way I communicated. I fail at communicating, it’s just so hard. And it’s not like I don’t try , I do but I fail miserably each time. Then hearing people I love tell me that I “suck” at communicating breaks me apart. It jolts me. I just feel the need to shut down and give up all the communication I have with anyone and just stay inside my cocoon with no one beside me. Why can’t people ever accept me as I am? Am I that hard? This communication thing has created this whole chaos in my head that it is inevitable. It stresses me out.
I do open up sometimes only to certain people and if I am comfortable talking about it. But when I do open up, I talk a lot. I free away all my emotions that I have kept bottled up. But then that’s too much for some people and I’m told to keep quiet and not talk so much. And when I keep quiet and not say anything, I am despised for it. I have been told a lot of times that my “tone” or “usages of words” to “speak” aren’t right. No matter whom I talk to. I don’t know what I am doing wrong; I don’t know what the right way to “speak” is? Or should I even speak up? What is the right way to talk? I don’t know. How would I know? I’ve never been allowed to free out my emotions before. And if I do free out my emotions how should I put it across? What words should I use? What tone should I use? Do words and tone make a difference when you’re letting out your emotions? I feel the need to bottle up my emotions. I feel this urge to build sky-high walls and not let out emotions. I feel the need to not speak out loud and just be silent forever…
If you loved reading my blabbering, don’t forget to leave a comment and follow me. Be a part of the Elysian messy journey!
Follow me on Twitter and Instagram to be updated and talk! Always available for you lovely people.
“Don’t forget to remember, if you’re not smiling you’re doing it wrong”- Alex Wassabi